A Start

28/05/2018

For as long as I remember, I always had troubles with grey skies. Not just the ones that hang over your head in February but the grey skies in my head. I always had issues of self worth, ever since some family members deemed fit to accuse me of not being wanted, of being extra, of being a mistake. Then there were other female members of my family who thought they could actually put me even more down by telling me I'm not fat, and to stay in a corner so as not to steal their limelight at their engagement party. Then of course there was the time when fear kept you company at night because of the situation in the country. Faced with myself in a (not so) big country like Switzerland, I've been taking a good look at myself for the past 12 years and I can't seem to make heads or tails of who I am, what I want, where I want to go. I don't believe I have accomplished any big achievements in my life. Having 2 children is something everyone could do, raising them up properly is not an achievement, it is a duty.I have empty dreams, dreams that will be exactly that, dreams. On the other hand, I've had a couple of rainbows in my life, so not all is grey with the occasional thunderstorm. I've had people who shone a light on this lonely road. I've had people who reached outing listened to my silences. I tend not to talk, I have no words for the emptiness and the loneliness there is. It's like a big hollow cave that echoes every time I breathe and the loneliness is very loud. The one person who believed from day one that I am capable of being so much more than I am, my husband a gentle tyrant, who adores me but who, unknowingly at times, mirrors my insecurities like a blinding light. I am in awe of him because he had to do everything by himself and he is who he is today despite of his upbringing. But yesterday he struck a cord, I am selfish because I don't want to take up responsibilities for things that I was always told that I'm not good at. My mistake is believing these people for so long that I took over these beliefs and internalised them that they have become cancerous. Which makes me realise, what we tell our children today while leave a mark on their beliefs when they grow up. If I tell my son from now that he is not good at singing he might not want to try it, ever, for fear of feeling silly or made fun of. We are not born unconfident, we are not born to be put down, we are not born to be made fun of. We teach our children how to be and act. They are a blank slate and we paint their flowers and give them no space to paint their trees. I feel maimed for not being able to know why I can't do certain things because the insecurities in side my soul are so ginormous that it feels impossible to even think that there might even be a remote possibility that I might actually shine in that area. Whilst tears scorch my face, I look outside and smile a little. I started writing again, I started believing in that powerful art of letting my feelings go on a blank screen. I sought help because I believe that we all need someone to talk to, or to sit with us quietly whilst the silence soothes our soul. There is no time but now to pick up the pieces and put the cup back together with golden glue. May we never forget the cracks because it is these cracks that show us where not to go, they are a reminder that we fell but got up again, that we are all heroes that save our day, every day. My purpose in life, and even though I may doubt my skills at times, is to make this world a happier place, one person at a time. I still believe that that is my god given talent and duty, a duty which I accept whole heartedly and with great joy. Because there is nothing in life better that the smell off sweet grass after the rain, a might rainbow and a divine sunset on the horizon of the beautiful Mediterranean Sea.